


Another Night on Mars

by EarthToQuinne



Category: All Time Low (Band), The Maine (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 20:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17732294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthToQuinne/pseuds/EarthToQuinne
Summary: Alex is outed to his parents and John helps him get away for awhile.





	Another Night on Mars

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for mentions of self harm, transphobia, alcohol + (underage) drinking

Staring out the window at the glittering blackness of the night sky, Alex felt a black hole start to form in his chest. The pain that he held inside him had started to swirl and converge, creating a mass of energy that was wide and terrible. He knew that once it got started, he wouldn't be able to stop it. Once that negative space had made a home in his sternum, he would be sucked into it.

The panic attacks always started like this. They came on slowly, gradually building up force until he was pulled into the nothingness and couldn't get himself out. Eventually, he always found his way back, but that night, he felt like letting the darkness have him for good.

Visions of sharp implements were dancing through his head as the tell-tale ache of anxiety started to swell up in his chest. He tried to will it away before it turned to flat out panic, but he was alone, grounded to his room, lights off, phone in his parents' possession, undoubtedly being searched through as he sat on his bed, staring blankly at the stars.

Closing his eyes, he tried to focus his breathing and clear his mind, rather than fantasizing about the sting of metal against his skin. Instead, he started to focus on another feeling. That distinct feeling of wrongness, encouraged by that small voice in his head that told him that he didn't belong.

This feeling was nothing new. Alex had felt alien for as long as he could remember. It started when he was a kid, a distinct sensation that he couldn't quite place. He felt it whenever his mother forced him into dresses and when he got dolls for Christmas. Or when he had hacked off his long hair in large, disproportionate chunks with a safety-scissors at six years old and made his mother cry.

It persisted throughout his childhood, though he was told that acting upon it was wrong. As much as he pushed back and tried to maintain a feeling of rightness, no matter what he did, he was perceived as wrong, off, weird. Alien. He especially felt this way in junior high, when puberty finally set in. He remembered waking up and feeling like the world was ending as his own body started to become foreign to him. He would hide beneath oversized sweatshirts and baggy pants, hoping to obscure his breasts, curves, and hips.

But someone always seemed to see through him. They only saw what they understood, not who he truly was. Still, he fought for peace and didn't stop until he found out how to feel normal. Though "normal," is a vastly overrated and frankly oppressive construct, it can often cause a considerable amount of distress to be constantly perceived as anything but in a world where "normal" is considered to be the "default" setting.

So Alex got a job and started buying himself shirts. Men's shirts. The button-up kind, with high collars that snapped up to the chin. They hugged him a little too tightly around his waist, awkwardly curving over his hips, but he didn't care. That's around the time he started to bind his chest. Stupidly, he had used Ace bandages for about a day until John found out and immediately bought him a real binder. He had been fifteen at the time, and naïve though he was, he only wore the binder to work and school. When he got home, he took it off. Partially because he needed a break from binding and partially because he knew his parents would notice.

He had managed to keep them from finding out about his not-so-subtle secret until two years later, when his mom was "cleaning" his room and "found" one of his private journals where he described, in length, the misalignment that made him feel so disconnected. Alex's journals were important to him, since he only had a handful of people he could talk to openly. They were spaces where he could safely vent and fill in the pages will sorrow and anger and not be questioned. They were meant for his eyes only.

He kept very good track of them and always hid them in his dresser, just beneath the small space in between the bottom drawer and the bottom of the dresser itself. The only way one could get to them was by pulling out the bottom drawer entirely, which wasn't exactly possible because it was old and jammed. So in order to reach the journals, someone had to know that they were there in the first place. He guessed that his mother had torn his room apart in order to find evidence for his blatant oddness.

The minute Alex's mother found out, she gave a huge lecture about holiness and God, how his body was "sacred" and that God had made him a certain way. Then his father chimed in and spouted angrily about how Alex needed to stop this "rebellious streak" and just "grow the fuck up already." He didn't speak, didn't listen. He just stared into the blackness as he felt the small bubble of false security he had made for himself burst.

His parents confiscated his journals, his phone, forbid him from seeing his friends, and had grounded him indefinitely. He was virtually made to be a prisoner in his own home. As if to make some twisted point, his parents began to aggressively- and cheerfully- misgender him.

This had been going on for two weeks and Alex was tired. He didn't want to live like this. He didn't want to fight. He just wanted to graduate high school and deal with this shit when he was away from his parents and not depending on them for everything. But because his mother had no respect for boundaries, the choice had been made for him. His emotions over the past two weeks had ranged from being completely distraught to bitterly angry to just plain exhausted. As much as he tried to be stable for John's sake, he couldn't fake it anymore.

Alex's breathing had become incredibly raspy and he felt the black hole widening when a sharp rap broke him from his thoughts. Furrowing his eyebrows, Alex started to search for the source of the noise when he heard it again. Quickly, he turned to see a figure just through the crack in the curtains, standing on the small balcony that overlooked his backyard.

Jumping slightly and making a small sound of surprise, Alex got up from his bed to inspect the stranger and realized that it was John, waving and smiling manically. Alex switched on the light, and began to fumble around his nightstand for the spare key. His parents had confiscated his, knowing how his friends would climb up the trellis to the balcony every now and then.

But Alex had managed to snag his dad's spare out the bathroom cabinet one night when he was still at work. Quickly Alex undid the lock and flung the doors open, rushing outside and falling into John's arms.

"God, you showed up at just the right time," he breathed, the entirety of his weight falling into John. He hated being needy, but he was so emotionally exhausted he couldn't help it.

John hugged him tightly, his arms wrapping around Alex's waist. "Yeah, I figured you needed some company."

"You don't even know."

"So... are you up for being a little rebellious tonight then? Please say yes- Rian and the guys are waiting in Vinny's truck down the street and we have a shit ton of illegally obtained alcohol."

Alex pulled back to give John a skeptical look. "I would ask "how" and "why" but I don't think I'd really care for the answer."

John rolled his eyes playfully and brushed him off. "Fine, if you're having fun sitting in your room by yourself, moping and being oppressed by your jail-warden parents, I'll just go."

Alex lightly punched his arm and pulled him inside his room. "Don't be a dick- I just have to change."

John looked him up and down, eying his ratty Oriole's t-shirt and his Star Wars boxers which had a hole a little too close to his crotch. "Aw, come on, I like what you're wearing!"

"Only because I'm half-naked," Alex teased, not even being subtle about flirting as he turned his back to John and started to dig through his closet.

"True," John admitted, his tone open and honest.

They were always like this, shamelessly flirting with each other and acting like they were together. They basically were, they just hadn't taken the time to sit down and put a label on what exactly they were. Communication had never been one of Alex's strong suits, so he was just waiting for John to get tired of his flakiness and just declare that they were dating. If there was one thing Alex hated more than the sexual tension it was talking about his feelings.

Regardless, Alex still liked the game they had going and the openness of it all. Eventually, he knew that the tension was going to burst between them and they were going to crash into each other at full speed. Meanwhile, though, the chase was fun and provided a welcome distraction from all the shit he had to deal with.

After a few minutes of rifling and finding nothing, John came up behind Alex and practically spooned him standing up. He reached around Alex, his broad shoulders hovering over Alex's slim ones and quickly picked out a blue button-up shirt with tiny skulls printed on it, along with Alex's faux-leather jacket and a pair of dark blue skinny jeans.

"There, crisis averted. Now strip!"

Alex lightly shoved John away, pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it onto the floor. Then he slowly started to undo the buttons on the shirt in his hand while John rifled in the dresser for a clean pair of briefs, even though Alex never asked him to.

Slipping the shirt over his shoulders, Alex let the fabric fall at his sides, front unbuttoned. He stood still for a second and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

Alex sighed. "I can't wait until the day when I don't have to wear a binder anymore," he said as John tossed him his underwear.

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better- I think you look really sexy in your binder."

Alex knew it was only half-hearted, but his heart stuck in his throat. "R-really?"

"Yes, really. Though I think you look sexy all the time, so it's kind of invalid."

Alex knew that his cheeks were bright red and if he had been in a better mood, he might've made a snarky response back and slapped John's ass, but he could only stand there and stare at him, feeling so small but so light.

"You're really pushing your boundaries, O'Callaghan," he replied softly.

John shrugged and took a few steps closer to Alex, so their chests were touching, lips far too close. "Maybe I want to," he murmured with a sexy smirk.

Jesus.

At that moment, Alex just wanted to kiss him so badly, but he didn't. There was a kind of satisfaction in overcoming John's charms. They had kissed before and would again- a lot. But right then, he needed a distraction, so he wanted to really draw it out, savoring every last interaction for when he was alone in the dark again.

Alex just took a step back and started buttoning up his shirt. "You know what I want? A cheeseburger. God, I haven't had fast food since my mom decided to become the resident Fascist."

John snorted. "Just ask, and you shall receive, Baby."

Alex finished up the last button and turned his back to John, pulling down his boxers. He knew he put on a bit of a show right then, as he took his sweet time pulling the briefs up over his ass. He could feel John's eyes on him, but he didn't mind. They had been changing in front of each other since they were little kids in matching Easter dresses. Now was a little different, but that level of comfort and safety had never changed.

Alex felt John appear behind him, his hands gently cupping Alex's ass over his briefs, his lips gently pressing to Alex's neck. John's stubble scratched Alex's skin and he felt a tad bit jealous, knowing that John's T-shots were definitely doing their job. It had been almost four years since he had started hormones, the lucky bastard, and he could pass easily now. Alex on the other hand, didn't, no matter how much he tried. Still, he was happy for John. Plus, his voice had gotten pretty low and Alex found it super sexy.

Leaning into John's kiss, Alex sighed contently, letting him squeeze his ass as he pressed gentle kisses just beneath his earlobe. "J-John," he sputtered. "If you start that now, we are never gonna leave. Let me get my pants on so we can go."

"Can I at least get a kiss?"

"Only after you buy me a fucking cheeseburger."

-

Two hours later, full of fast food and diet soda, they had traveled out into the desert, driving down beat-up dirt roads, past run-down houses and empty fields, until they came to a spot of flat scrubland, with no buildings in sight, just stars overhead.

John parked his truck and Vinny parked his right beside it as the guys started to spill out of the vehicles, one by one. Rian opened the tailgate of Vinny's truck as Jack hopped into the bed and started passing out beers from the cooler. All of the guys- Vinny, Zack, Danny, and Matt- stood around and began to chat aimlessly as Rian fiddled with the radio to find a good alt-rock station. His efforts were in vain, though, because there were out in the middle of nowhere and the only thing he could get was one Christian worship station and a lot of static.

Alex and John were detached from the noise, however, as John opened Alex's door and helped him down from the truck, holding his hand out like he was some kind of storybook prince. Alex snorted but took his hand anyway. John was still holding his hand as he led Alex around the back of the truck and towards the group. John halted halfway there and moved in front of Alex. Standing in the shadows, cast by the light pooling from Vinny's truck, they were far too close once again.

"So, do I finally get that kiss now?" John teased, arms lacing around Alex's waist.

"I guess," Alex replied in a teasingly indifferent tone.

He was smiling when John's lips crashed into his, the kiss long and heated. John had always been an amazing kisser, using just the right combination of teeth and tongue. Alex's fingers tangled themselves in John's long blonde curls as John gently pushed him up against the side of his truck, a leg slipping in between Alex's thighs.

That familiar itch started to form under Alex's skin and consumed him so much that he forgot where they were. His hands were just slipping their way to cup John's bare ass under his jeans when he heard their friends shouting, "Get a room!"

John pulled away gasping for air, his beautiful face flushed. Alex pouted slightly and John just kissed his forehead. "I'm not going anywhere, Lex. We have all night."

So they joined the group, hopping up into the bed of Vinny's truck when they quickly settled in together. John sat with Alex between his legs, his head resting against John's chest, John's arm around his waist. Their friends told stories and sipped their beers as they reveled in the joy and naivety that came with being young.

Alex just sat there quietly, letting himself soak in the laughter and the noise. Sometimes it was just enough to be there and take it all in. He was the kind of person who could easily sit at the edge of a crowd all night and have the time of his life as long as he was surrounded by people he loved.

"So, Alex, how's it going with your parents?" Rian asked as he popped open his beer and sat down next to John.

Alex rolled his eyes. "They're still being complete dicks. My mom told me yesterday that she's going to take me to see a therapist if I "keep this up." And my dad won't even look at me."

"Jesus," Vinny said, turning around to listen.

"Yeah, it's been a fucking shitshow. They refuse to listen to reason. I've even had John and his parents try to talk to them but they just keep saying that I'm "going through a phase" or some bullshit like that.

"It didn't make any sense that they freaked out so much because they were always so supportive of John and never seemed to have a problem with trans people. But yeah, it's whatever..."

"Alex, do we have your permission to egg your parents' car?" Jack chimed in.

Alex just laughed and he could feel John laughing too, the vibrations tickling his back. "I would say yes, but knowing them, they'll probably make me clean it up as some sort of punishment or something."

Alex took a swig of the beer John had handed him and let his gaze wander around his circle of friends, all sitting in the truck bed, legs dangling over the edges. Their faces were twisted up in disgust as they listened to his stories, angry and repulsed at the way that Alex was being treated.

He told them about his mom dragging him to church every Wednesday and Sunday, forcing him to talk to a pastor about his "problem." He told them about the "Bible study" his mother was attending that was actually a support group for Christian parents with LGBTQ+ children. This in itself seemed like a good thing, but upon closer inspection, it was discovered that the group discussed how to make your child "normal" again and set them back "on the right track."

They didn't ask any questions as Alex told his stories, getting all of the week's bullshit off his chest. They just listened. That's just the kind of guys that they were. They didn't pass any judgments or make him feel invalidated. They just gave him an opportunity to let it out.

When he was done, they turned up the radio and chugged their beers and stared up at the Milky Way hanging overhead, a large strip of color breaking up the blackness. They had been doing this for each other ever since they were old enough to drive. Whenever one of their friends had a bad night, a falling out, or a bad coming out experience- they all bundled together to make sure that they didn't feel alone. Alex had learned very early on that the best kind of family was the one that was chosen.

"Okay, I'm tired of talking about my problems. Anything life changing happen lately while I've been on house arrest?" Alex asked, placing a hand on John's knee and brushing his skin through the large hole.

He always teased John about being a "fake punk" who bought all of his ratty clothes pre-deconstructed. Then John would call him a "pretentious emo fascist" and push him down gently onto the bed, falling on top of him, leaning in for another kiss.

"Well, Zack got his first blowjob last night!" Jack blurted, grinning as Zack turned bright red, trying to hide his embarrassment by taking another swig from his beer.

"Oh, so you finally got Zack to put out, huh?" John teased, which made Zack turn even redder.

"You guys are assholes," he said with a smile, shaking his head. "Unlike some people," he looked pointedly at Jack, "I don't kiss and tell."

Jack just smiled cheekily as Zack got up to grab another beer. When he passed by, Jack smacked his ass. "Oh you know you love me, Baby!" he teased.

Alex snorted and John erupted into chuckles. Zack's shocked expression was priceless as if the announcement of their relationship- and by connection, his sexuality- was a big deal. "It's okay, Merrick, we've all known that you were a raging twink since the day we met you," John added with a cheeky grin.

"I for one, am proud of you, dude. You've finally become a man!" Danny enthused, raising his bottle. They all clinked their beers together and took a collective swig. Zack just continued to blush and grimace but Jack showered his face in sloppy kisses until he couldn't help but smile.

"Okay, Danny, your turn! We're going around the circle," John said in his best kindergarten teacher voice.

"Come on, you guys don't want to hear about my bullshit," Danny said with a joking air to his voice that did little to veil his true feelings.

"Man, we live on bullshit! Spill!" Rian ordered.

He rolled his eyes in defeat. "Fine. I guess if we're sharing shit and whatnot... So- my parents are getting a divorce. I know it's been coming for a while but... it still hurts like hell, you know?"

Vinny nodded his sympathies. "I totally get it, bro. When my folks split, it felt like the world was breaking up with them. Even though I was a kid, it was a bitch because it was all I knew. But you'll get through it. Promise."

“Thanks, man. It's just been hell lately. My dad moved out last Wednesday and it feels so weird not having him around. Like there's a hole in our family or some shit... It's weird. I know I'll still talk to my dad and everything, I'm just not used to him not being with my mom I guess.”

He bumped his knee against Danny's and got him to smile again. They were all quiet for a moment as they sipped their beers and let Danny recover from his announcement.

"Okay! I'm up!" Jack exclaimed, far too excitedly. "Recently, I finally grew some balls and asked this really cute guy to be my boyfriend. He thinks I'm an idiot most of the time, but he likes me enough to save me the last Eggo waffle in the morning and doesn't hog the blankets so I think we're gonna last a while."

Rian and Matt made gagging sounds as Jack and Zack made wide, puppy dog eyes at each other.

Ignoring them, Zack turned away from his boyfriend and said, "I guess I'm up. So do you guys know how I was really fucked up after my sister died?"

Everyone stopped messing around and nodded, giving him their full attention. "Well, my grandma made me fucking miserable every day because she's a homophobic old bitch. And it was hard enough losing the only person who took care of me and truly got me without constantly being told I was going to burn in hell. So my depression got really bad again- that's why I missed so much school last semester.

"Anyways, I started seeing my therapist again a few weeks ago after Jack convinced me to. I'm already feeling better and counting down the days until I get to move out."

"We've been looking at apartments together on the weekends," Jack added.

"Just what you two need- your own private fuck pad," Vinny deadpanned.

"Nah, we have the backseat of your truck for that, Vin."

"You fuck in Linda and I will cut both of your dicks off," he threatened, a hard and serious edge to his normally joking demeanor.

"I still can't believe you named your car after your ex-girlfriend..." Matt said.

"Like you're one to talk, Flyzik! You named your cat after a guy you'd been dating for two days! At least Linda and I have history together!” Vinny slurred, getting far too close to Matt’s face.

"Jesus, Vin. I think you'd had enough," Rian said and took the beer from Vinny's hands.

While he slowly tried to grab it back, Rian's quick reflexives easily allowing him to deflect Vinny's drunken advances, Matt started to speak.

"Since we're all being really fucking depressing for some reason- I figure I'd lighten the mood. My mom just went into remission yesterday. The doctor says that we shouldn't get too excited just yet, but it looks like she finally kicked cancer's ass for good!"

Alex knew that Matt was a tough guy who tried not to talk about feelings too often, but he could see the tears glistening in the corners of his eyes. Happy, relieved tears. At one point, everyone had thought that his mom was going to die before she even got to see him graduate high school. But here she was, a month until graduation and things were finally looking up.

Alex patted him on the back reassuringly and he grinned at him. The love and support that flowed between all of them were strong as Rian gave up on Vinny and began to speak.

"I've been wanting to tell you guys this for a while, but do you know how I've been applying nonstop to colleges since the beginning of the year? Well, I finally heard back from Berkeley today. And... I got in!"

"Holy shit, man! That's awesome!" Danny exclaimed.

"And since I did so well on my SAT, they told me that I'm getting a full scholarship."

"Jesus, are you gonna go all Mr.-Fancy-Pants-Art-School on us after graduation?" Jack asked.

"You know, I was thinking about wearing only flannels and growing out my hair into a man bun..."

"If you grow a man-bun I will personally drive from Arizona to New York and shave your fucking head," Matt said.

Alex let his head fall back on John's chest as he laughed, gaze falling upon the stars sparkling brilliantly above them. They always looked clearer in the desert, away from the city and the oppressive rays of the streetlights.

It was especially clear tonight. Alex could distinctly make out the Milky Way, outlined by thousands of stars. Alex could recognize a few constellations, but the alcohol was already kicking in and he couldn't remember their names just yet. John teased him relentlessly for being a lightweight but he was the same way.

He was hardly paying attention when John started to speak. "Well, I guess it's my turn to spill my guts. So..." he paused awkwardly, thinking. "I'm two years clean today."

Alex could hear the smile in his voice and turned around to give John a sloppy kiss in the cheek while the guys loudly expressed their congratulations. There was no need for any of them to press further. They knew how much John had struggled. They had seen it.

"I'm so proud of you, Babe," he murmured underneath the noise. He knew John heard him though by the way he smiled and lightly squeezed Alex's waist.

"When are you guys going to date?" Jack blurted.

Alex rolled his eyes. "When are you going to stop being such a gregarious twat?" he replied in a sugary sweet tone.

Jack just laughed. "No seriously, Alex, when are we going to date?" John asked, pulling Alex sideways on his lap so he could look him in the eyes. He was smiling, but only a half moon smile that didn't reach his hazel eyes.

Alex sputtered, floundering for a response, the alcohol and his own incompetence dragging him down. "I-I thought we were already... Um I mean I don't-"

Rian scoffed and cut in. "John, if you didn't know by now, Alex is shit at feelings. He's so fucking in love with you but he'a too much of a chicken-shit to say it."

Alex turned bright red and looked down at his hands. "I-I mean... I don't really-"

"Alex, what are we?" John asked quietly, even though everyone in the truck bed could hear.

"We're... we're us, John. I don't know what else to say."

John gently cupped Alex's chin in his hands, forcing Alex to look at him, instead of allowing his gaze to travel. In that moment, it was only them even though all of their friends were quietly watching. "So there's an 'us,' then?"

Alex nodded slowly. "Well, then," John replied, a small grin on his face. "I guess it's a little overdue but- Alex would you maybe want to be my Official, Real Life, boyfriend?"

Alex smirked, rolled his eyes. "Duh, smartass."

John kissed him. Hard. Their asshole friends cheered and Alex flicked them off as John stuck his tongue in his mouth.

When Alex came up for air, Danny asked, "Does that mean we can start planning the wedding now?"

Jack chimed in, "Oo, I call being the flower girl!"

“Sure, I've always wanted to see how you looked in a dress,” Alex replied, both teasing and serious at the same time.

“Fuck you, Gaskarth!”

The rest of the night faded beneath a cacophony of sound, color, and alcohol. Around 12 AM, someone turned the radio up, one of Vinny’s Mix CD’s blasting as they all laid on their back sin the pickup truck, sharing memories, singing along. Alex was curled up against John, head on his chest, their fingers intertwined. A light buzz filled his head, but he had stopped drinking long before everyone else and just laid back, taking it all in.

It was easy to forget, in the days that stretched between these weekend get-togethers, that he wasn't the only one that was fucked up. Everyone had their shit- even Jack, who tried to fool everyone into thinking that he was this happy-go-lucky guy all the time.

He hardly ever talked about the five months he disappeared after not eating for two weeks and had to be rushed to the emergency room. This made it easy to just look past, to get lost in the day-to-day and pretend like he hadn't had to fight like hell to be with them right now. That they all hadn't.

It had been John’s idea to start it, the whole “sharing feelings” thing. All of the others guys had been skeptical at first, but Alex knew exactly where he was coming from. Being trans in a group full of cis people, especially cis dudes, it was easy to become hyper-masculine in order to fit in and feel like “one of the guys.” So feelings generally took a back seat, which wasn't necessarily healthy when there was so much shit to carry around.

It was nice to let that wall fall down and to acknowledge their fears, shortcomings, and triumphs. It made them all closer and made Alex feel human. When he as surrounded by his friends, he no longer felt alien, he felt… normal. They reminded him that he wasn't the only fucked up one and that that was okay.

Maybe that was a stupid thing to crave, but goddamn did he love the feeling.

-

"That one over there is Libra! And over there is Ursa Major, and a little bit underneath it is Ursa Minor," Alex gushed as they lay in the bed of John's truck, finally alone.

After everyone left in Vinny's truck, Alex insisted on staying out and star gazing. John hoped to get in a good make out session before he had to take Alex home, but he just kept gushing over the fucking stars. He could've been irritated- but it was strangely adorable.

"What is that again?" John asked, searching for the constellations and only seeing a brunch of random dots.

He could hear Alex sigh at his stupidity, having explained it about five times already. "Libra is a set of scales. And Ursa Major and Minor are two bears." John looked at Alex skeptically, still not getting it. "The big and little dippers? Come on, John. Those are the most basic ones!"

John peered a little harder and finally found them. "Hey, I see them! But how the fuck are those bears?"

"If you look at the Big Dipper, there are a bunch of lines branching off that look like legs."

"I still just see a bunch of lines."

"You are no fun," Alex pouted. John laughed and pulled him against his chest extending the blanket wrapped around his shoulders to cover Alex's too. He kissed the top of his head and ruffled his hair.

"I'm sorry, Lex. All this science stuff goes over my head. I'm a musician for a reason."

"I know, but you could at least pretend," Alex complained lightheartedly, poking John's stubbly cheek.

"Hey, I'm sorry I'm more interested in looking at you looking at the stars than at the actual stars."

"John O'Callaghan I swear to God."

"You're more beautiful than the entire galaxy. It's true."

"You're so corny I'm going to fucking puke."

John chuckled and pushed Alex down on the blanket they were sitting on, kissing him. Alex giggled as John pinned his arms down gently, straddling his hips.

Then they kissed again, but it lasted longer this time. John's nose was cold but his mouth was warm and his lips soft. His stubble scratched Alex's chin as he twined his fingers through John's long hair, which had just started to grow past his shoulders. Alex was terrified to let his hair get that long, but John had been transitioning longer and had stopped carrying how people perceived his gender. Someday Alex hoped to have at least half of his confidence.

He twirled his fingers in John's curls and bit his lip. John moaned softly and pushed his tongue into Alex's mouth, running along his teeth, tasting of cheap beer and Spearmint gum. John's fingertips grazed underneath the fabric of Alex's shirt, tracing his hips. John loved his hips, even though Alex hated them. In fact, John loved everything about Alex that he couldn't stand.

Coming up for breath, John moved to Alex's neck and started kissing him upwards from his collarbone to that spot behind his ear that always made him shiver.

"God, it feels so weird to be kissed when you have stubble," Alex said breathily.

"Is that a bad thing?" John said in between kisses.

"Ah- No. S'just different. I'm jealous actually. Plus- it's pretty hot."

"Well, I'm pretty hairy everywhere else, too. I feel like a walking shag carpet."

Alex lightly shoved John's chest. "Gross! Good way to kill the mood!"

John just laughed and sat up straight, pulling his t-shirt over his head. For a moment, Alex was transfixed by John's figure silhouetted against the backdrop of a million stars. He was rather muscular and his abs were very well defined. A testament to all of the time he had spent running around the track and lifting weights at the gym. Alex knew that he wanted to be fit because it made him feel good, more masculine and in control. Alex wished he had that kind of confidence but he knew that even if he tried to work out, his body would still feel wrong.

Even in the low light, Alex could make out the scars on John's chest, as clear and present as the day that he had left them behind. He lightly traced his fingertips over them and pulled John down so he could kiss them. John was generally extremely positive about his appearance and his body. Even before he started transitioning, he was confident in everything he had and didn't. And this confidence only grew when he started hormones and got top surgery.

But if John was insecure about one thing, it was his scars. He was terrified to take his shirt off in public, not because he was ashamed of people knowing that he was trans, but of the stares and whispers that were sadly inevitable. As confident as he was, John hated being turned into a walking side show. So it was rare that he took off his shirt, even in front of Alex.

"Alex," he whispered, his voice shaky. He kissed him evenly along both of the clean lines, John's skin soft and warm.

“I love your chest, John. I love your scars and your crooked teeth and the burn marks on your arms. You are so handsome and- and beautiful and everything I wish I could be.”

“Sounds like a proposal,” John teased, his voice soft as he brushed the hair out of Alex’s face.

“You wish!” He moved down his stomach, kissing down his stomach, along his ribs.

“Alex, are you sure you're not coming down with a fever or something? Because I swore that you just confessed your undying love for me.”

“O'Callaghan, stop testing me or your ass will be walking home.”

“This is my truck!”

Alex laughed and continued to kiss down John’s stomach. He covered his skin in soft, sweet kisses and stopped just above the button of John’s jeans.

The lightness left John’s eyes and Alex saw him frown. He pulled back immediately and grabbed John’s hands. “Baby, I'm as terrified as you are. We don't have to do anything right now.”

“Good, because I don't fuck on the first date.”

“You're so stupid. I'm gonna kiss your stupid face so you'll stop talking.”

Grinning stupidly and widely, they kissed again, slowly and lovingly. Alex's hands moved to John’s chest, palms flat against his stomach, fingertips brushing his scars. He knew John loved it when Alex touched his chest, despite his insecurities. They made out for about an hour before Alex started to get a cramp in his leg and John began to shiver because he was sitting in the middle of the desert at night, half naked. They curled up underneath the blankets, legs intertwined as they stared up at the stars in silence.

Alex had always thought that falling for someone made the rest of the world go black. That you could be in a crowded room and only see your significant other. But when he was with John, he saw and felt everything in vivid detail. The breeze that tickled his skin, the sparkling of the stars, the crackling hum of the old stereo. The world didn't go dark when they were together- it came alive.

Together they created a safe space within each other, where they couldn't be hurt or separated. It was as if they were on their own private planet, standing still in peaceful silence as the universe flung itself into a chaotic loop. They had their own moons, their own atmosphere, and their own rules. When they were together, they were untouchable.

“John?” Alex murmured.

“Yeah, Baby?”

Alex had never liked pet names, but his stomach always fluttered when John called him that. “Thank you for taking me away from all of my... shit. I don't know if I could do this without you.”

John kissed the top of his head. “Hey, you do the same for me. Fuck, I think that you're the only one keeping me mostly sane.”

“Mostly?”

“I'll always be a little insane, let's face it.”

“It's the hormones- they’re poisoning your brain,” Alex chided.

“You know, my grandma said the same thing a few days ago when we drove to Phoenix for her birthday…”

“Fuck your grandma!”

John laughed at Alex’s sudden coarseness. “It's fine, Lex. Really. I've been so lucky so far being surrounded by amazing people who actually try to understand and accept me. One person isn't going to wreck everything I've built.”

“She's still a twat, though…”

“Oh, I know that! And I had to spend three days with her. When I was driving her to the grocery store, she started talking about conversion therapy and gave me a lecture about holiness and shit.”

“Jesus!”

“You would've been really proud of me when I told her that she wouldn't be able to electrocute the boy out of me and then proceeded to inform her that she should go shove a crucifix up her ass.”

“No, you did not!”

“Alexander William Gaskarth, I would never lie to you,” he said with the utmost sincerity. Maybe it was the atmosphere of the sleeping desert around them. Maybe it was the fire in Alex’s bones or the way that John was looking at him, all perfect teeth and beautiful green eyes. He found himself losing his grip, and said something that he never thought he would say.

“God, I love you,” Alex said casually, but then sat bolt upright when he realized what just came out of his mouth. “I mean- Fuck!”

Alex quickly scrambled out of the truck bed and dropped down onto the hard earth. His boots crunched against the soil as he paced back and forth by the passenger side, hands pressed against his face in embarrassment.

“I'm such an idiot!” he groaned. John just laughed lightly and grabbed his waist, stilling his movements.

“No, you're not, Lex. It's okay.”

“N-no! No, it's not. I just said the thing you're not supposed to say to someone when you're in high school and you're stuck in the asshole of Arizona and you have way too fucking much to lose.”

John furrowed his eyes and smiled quizzically. “Alex, you're not going to lose me. You're my best friend and I absolutely adore you.”

Alex felt the corners of his eyes start to build up with tears but he just blinked them away. “Y-you're just saying that.”

He shook his head. “I'm not going anywhere, you're stuck with me.”

For someone who had never felt like he had a home, whose parents treated him like a stranger, and who often felt like an parasite inhabiting a human body, Alex wasn't quite prepared for how much he needed to hear that. As the entire world shifted beneath his feet, John was promising to stay his constant- and it meant everything to him.

Even though he wanted to hold it back, Alex started bawling like a baby and quickly ran into the safety of the truck. John, knowing Alex all too well, gave him his space while he cleaned up the beer bottles littered all over the ground and folded up the blankets and placed them all in the "emergency" tool box his dad had installed.

When John finally slid into the cab, Alex had dried his eyes and was staring out at the desert surrounding them- calm and empty. They didn't say anything as John twisted the key in the ignition, the engine purring to life beneath them. He turned the radio up slightly as he made a U-turn and got them back onto the highway.

Alex listened to Sinatra croon as he watched how John’s hands gripped the steering wheel, the ring Alex had given him for his birthday on the middle finger of his right hand. It was a simple, silver band that had the date John stopped self-harming engraved on the inside. Alex remembered how much he had cried when he opened that one.

“John, I think I’m allergic to feelings,” Alex said with a sigh.

John laughed and adjusted his grip on the steering wheel so he could put a hand on Alex’s knee. “No, you are not. You’re just… guarded.”

“I guess…”

“So, when you said that you loved me…” John began casually, trailing off so Alex could fill in the blanks.

“I- I meant it in a platonic way! Yep, totally…”

“So, when we were making out for an hour in the back of my truck, that was totally platonic, too?” John teased.

Alex groaned and lightly smacked his arm. “John! You know how fucked up I am. This is just… hard. I don't know how to explain it. It's- it's kind of like filling up a balloon with water and when it gets too full, it explodes and the water goes everywhere. A-and that's me with feelings.”

John ruffled his hair. “Baby, you don't need to explain yourself to me. I understand.”

“You're the only one who does.”

Fingers intertwined, they drove in silence, the desert blurring away around them. It stretched on for miles, broken up by handfuls of houses and patches of scrubland. Alex loved the desert at night. It was so desolate and open and held a kind of ethereal mystery.

They arrived at Alex’s house far too soon and Alex felt his stomach start to hurt as John turned onto his street. He sighed loudly and John squeezed his hand.

“Hey, I'll text you, okay? You should have your phone back tomorrow right? And I'll see you on Monday?”

Alex closed his eyes and shook his head. “No, that's too long to spend alone in my room. I'm going crazy already… I wish you could stay.”

“Me too,” John murmured.

His expression changed though as he seemingly remembered something and started to rifle through the center counsel. Alex watched him curiously, but then he saw the envelope in John’s hand, that unmistakable logo just barely visible in the light spilling in from the street. “I forgot to tell you, Lex! This came today. I was gonna open it in front of the guys, but I wanted to do it with you.”

A lump started to form in Alex's throat. God, did he adore this boy so much. They had applied to the University of Maryland together but Alex had gotten his letter first. He had been keeping it in his jacket pocket to keep his parents from seeing it until he and John could open them together.

Alex had his heart set on Maryland. He and John had toured the campus earlier in the spring when they visited John's sister and they both instantly fell in love with it. It was the perfect school in a beautiful state that was far away from Arizona. Far enough away where he could build a life of his own, separate from the dysfunction and chaos.

This plan didn't exactly depend upon John's acceptance to the same college because his second choice was another school under an hour away from the first. But it would make it all even better if they were together.

Alex shakily pulled out his letter, laying it flat in his palms and looking at John. Their eyes locked and when Alex gave him a firm nod, they viciously ripped open the envelopes. Clumsily pulling the parchment from the envelope and unfolding it, Alex skimmed the letter, heart pounding like a kick drum. Tears welled up in his eyes as he took in the words “We are glad to inform you…”

When he looked at John, he was grinning. But that quickly changed when he saw Alex. “What happened, Baby? Did you get in?”

Alex nodded and wiped the tears away. “Then… why are you crying?” John asked.

He sniffled. “I just… I feel so lucky,” he whispered.

John wrapped him up in his arms and they sat like that for a long while, the future blazing brightly ahead of them. Even in the dark, Alex could see it burning in the distance, closer than he ever thought it would be. His future was fast approaching and that comforted him just as much as it absolutely terrified him.

Alex wasn't a firm believer in fate or miracles. So many people loved to say that things happened for a reason and that it was all part of some grand celestial plan. But he only believed in chaos. Bad things happened because people were selfish. Sometimes there wasn't a reason for it all. But John made him feel like there was a reason. Like he was a part of some overarching master plan. Like he wasn't just floating around in the void, lost with no direction. John made it all make sense, even if it everything was fucked up.

“I can't believe I'm getting out of here,” Alex whispered into John’s shoulder. “I can't believe you're going with me.”

John laughed softly and kissed the top of Alex’s head. “Alex, you know I would've followed you anyways. Wherever you go, I go."

Alex rolled his eyes and pulled away from John, crossing his arms. “That's such a stupid thing to promise, John,” he stopped and smiled. When he spoke again, his tone softened. “Even if it is sweet.”

“I'm completely serious, Lex. Home is wherever you happen to be, whether it's in my bedroom or in the parking lot of a McDonald’s.”

“John…” Alex murmured.

“I mean it! Anywhere is home with you. Fuck, I could be on Mars and I would feel like I belonged as long as you were there with me. You're my home.”

Alex could feel the tears coming again but he blinked them away so he could retain the small amount of dignity that he had left. With a shaky breath he replied, “Stop making me so emotional. I can't handle it,” he said with a small, shaky laugh.

“Oh well, I thought my big Macho Man was allergic to feelings!” John teased then nuzzled his face into Alex’s neck.

“Shut up,” Alex mumbled as John started to press feather-light kisses to his skin.

“Why don't you make me?” John purred. He pulled away just into for Alex to see his wicked grin, teeth sparkling in the curtain of street light that poured through the window. His face was painted golden, stained by the glow, a beautiful spot of color in the darkness.

Their mouths collided messily, teeth scraping and tongues twisting. Alex kissed him like it was the last one. Like they were saying “goodbye” for 48 years as opposed to 48 hours. When they came up for air, Alex’s lip was bleeding and he was dying to take John’s clothes off but he knew that he had to go inside.

John whined as soon as they lips parted but Alex just put a hand on his chest and sighed. “I really have to go now, you know.”

John nodded sadly and Alex felt his stomach flutter. “I'm gonna miss you.”

“It's a weekend- you'll survive.”

“Oh please, you're gonna die without me.”

“Yes, I just sit around, aching and empty without you Johnathan. Without you, my life is a meaningless and empty void.”

“You're such a little bitch,” John said with a playful roll of his eyes.

“Awww how sweet!” Alex said as he pushed open the truck door and let his feet dangle over the edge of the seat before he hopped down on the pavement. He stood beside the truck but didn't move, stoic and solid as he stared at his dark house, it's hollow eyes watching his every move.

After a moment of quiet, John murmured, “So I guess you're really my boyfriend now, huh?”

Alex ducked his head and grinned as that giddy feeling returned. “Yep… I guess I am.”

John slid across the truck seat and hopped out the open door so he stood right in front of Alex. Pulling John closer by the collar of his shirt, Alex kissed him softly. His hands wandered to John’s face, where they cupped his cheeks, thumbs brushing over the stubble.

Alex felt dread pool in the pit of his stomach the minute he turned and started walking towards the house. Leaving John was like Cinderella leaving the ball and being forced to come back to reality. The minute the carriage turned back into a pumpkin and the coachmen into mice, the dream was gone. It left Alex feeling more isolated and alien than ever. But he felt his acceptance letter burning a hole in his pocket as he turned to wave goodbye. With a deep breath, he arrived back to the real world with the knowledge that he was going to escape it soon and he wasn't going to do it alone.

**Author's Note:**

> So this one is probably a mess but I wrote it as kind of a way to vent? Alex is basically me in this story and a lot of his experiences mirror my own (minus the fact that I don't have someone like John to keep me sane). The first time I heard "Another Night On Mars" I got super emotional and really related to it. As a trans person who is constantly surrounded by people who don't accept me, it really is easy to feel "wrong" and "alien" and wish that you were someone else somewhere else.
> 
> When you're in a place like that, it's really important to have a support system of people who get you, people who love you so much that they make up for the one's who refuse to give you the acceptance and love that you need. It's also really easy to feel like you're so fucked up and that you're alone in your struggle. But I think that it's important to remember that everyone is hurting in some way another and you're not "alien" for feeling the way that you do.
> 
> Also, we all need a little more Callakarth in our lives! ;)


End file.
